Jokes & Stories

Nov 25; Two Jokes Here :)

All in a Day's Work
A man was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. Police Officer: "Did you realize that you were going 120km in a 100km zone?" Driver: "But Officer, I was just keeping up with traffic". The Officer looked down the highway and said "but there is no one in front of you". The driver replied "well that's how far behind I am!".

Take My Wife...Please

A man was so excited to drive his brand new Corvette that he was disappointed to see a police car pull behind him with blaring sirens. Thinking he could out-run the police with his fancy car, he accelerated to 180km/hour. After realizing that he was being extremely irresponsible, he pulled over. A tired-looking police officer said to him "Look, this is the end of my shift. I am tired and just want to go home and not worry about any more paperwork. Can you please just give me a reasonable explanation for your excessive speeding and refusal to pull over as soon as you saw me chasing you?" The driver thought for a moment and said solemnly: "Last week my wife ran off with a police officer and I was worried you were trying to bring her back." The police officer looked at him and before walking away, tipped his hat and said "have a nice evening".

Nov 18, 2010: Everyone Loves This One

A piece of string decided to head into the local pub for a cold beer after a long day's work. When he sat on the barstool and asked for a beer, the bartender asked "Aren't you a string?". The string replied "Yes". The bartender explained that he didn't serve string in his bar. After an unsuccessful attempt to persuade the bartender to serve him given the day he had, the string came up with an idea. He headed outside and while on the sidewalk, he tied himself into a knot and frantically frayed the ends. He hopped back into the bar, sat on a barstool, looked at the bartender in the eyes and asked for a beer. The bartender asked "But aren't you a string?", to which the string replied "I'm a frayed knot".

A Note Of Thanks:

Since we have run these joke spots in the Barrie Advance the feedback has been just amazing! It is a fun way for me interact with you reader while reminding all my past clients I am here for them or anyone they know that needs my service. So now by request, you can now go to www.ByGeorgeIthinkHesGotIt.com to see all previous jokes and stories. Thanks to all that have submitted in the past and to Lori for all her brains and help!

Nov 11, 2010: A Cute Joke plus Something Hilarious

First the Joke:
Two butchers were playing a game of poker after the shop closed when suddenly they were killed by a side of beef that fell from the upper storage loft. The lead detective asked the coroner for a cause of death, to which the coroner replied... "It looks like the steaks were too high".
And Now Something Hilarious:
Go to www.ByGeorgeIthinkHesGotIt.com and scroll to George’s Testimonials and see “And Now Something Hilariousrdquo; instructions. Follow instructions exactly as shown to see something completely hilarious.

Nov 4, 2010: The Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources manager asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for. He responded by saying "In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package". The manager said "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?" The young man said "Wow! Are you kidding?" To which the manager replied "Yeah, but you started it."

Oct 21, 2010: Wrong Flowers

A client bought a new home and the real estate sales person wanted to send flowers to the the new owner for the occasion. A beautiful arrangement arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace". The home owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new home".

Oct 14, 2010: Phoney Lawyer

Peter grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend law school. Once he graduated from law school, he decided to move back home to because he could be a hot shot lawyer in this small town. He really wanted to big fish in a small pond to impress everyone. Shortly after he opened his office for business, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this prospective client when. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the desk phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking... "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than ONE MILLION!. I don't care, don't waste my time, that's what I'm going to demand and that's what I'm going to get." The man sat patiently as Joe wrapped up the conversation. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"The man replied "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

Oct 7, 2010: Creativity is Everything

Damian and Jim, who were neighbors, dreaded the weekly "honey-do" lists. Instead of the chores, one day they took their dogs, a Chihuahua and a Chocolate Lab, for a walk. While walking past the local Bar and Grill on Big Bay Point Rd, Damian wanted to go in for a beer. Jim agreed but said it was too bad the restaurant didn't allow pets. Damian said "I have an idea, just follow my lead". Damian walked up to the greeter and asked for a booth. After glancing at the Chocolate Lab, she said "I'm sorry, no pets". Damian said "This is my seeing-eye dog, I can't go anywhere without him". The server apologized and brought him to a booth. She then catches Jim trying to walk in with his dog, and she says "I'm sorry, no pets". So, Jim replies, "But he's my seeing-eye dog. I need to be with him.” Skeptically, the waitress asks "your Chihuahua is a guide dog?" to which Jim replies in astonishment "WHAT????? They gave me a Chihuahua????".

Sept 28, 2010: This is Cute

Q: What did the number 0 say to the number 8?
A: Hey, nice belt